NHS humour.

NHS humour!!!!

They send me a kit with the stick onto which I must shit with some very vague instructions that include: 

“make a bed of paper so the poo (that’s what they call it) does not touch the water”

Not so easy, first off you use ten sheets of highly absorbent toilet paper to make the bed, and they live up to their description by absorbing at a simply astonishing rate, the water from the pan.

You add ten more, same thing happens, so you give up.

Next attempt sees fifty sheets of toilet paper to bulk out the toilet and a Tesco carrier bag to catch the shit.

Success but only up to a point! I have my shit covered stick which I can now post to the NHS, however I also have a blocked toilet and a shit covered Tesco carrier bag!

I can tell you that the blocked toilet is easy - just call building management and tell them.

I can also tell you that getting rid of a shit covered Tesco carrier bag in a modern London building - all open plan - is bloody hard work.

I had to smuggle it out of the building hoping - avoiding the lift of course and make it half way across the green area opposite before I could stuff it into a bin - belonging to a cafe.

All very bloody stressful I can tell you!

Lady on!!!

Lovely walk with the dog in the rain.

Had a few enjoyable moments watching the local falling over nancy boys play football and shouting “man on” from the sidelines.

Appears to have caused some confusion.

The linesman asked what I was doing and I replied merely joining in with the shouting. He looked bemused.

That got me thinking about the phrase “man on”.

Now I know enough about the falling over nancy boys to know that when someone shouts this at you, what he is really saying is “there is a chap coming after you with the sole intention of depriving you of possession of the football. Kick it, you cretin, kick it!!!!!”

This has caused me to imagine what lady footballers shout at each other - lady on, woman on maybe?

We should be told, especially as when I was a mere callow youth, the suggestion that a lady was “on” meant something quite different!

The laser guided bidet.

It’s Monday and thus I have to tell you of the laser guided bidet.

On a recent trip to Manila, where the toilets are either ultra modern or really quite awful, I sat in my hotel room having a major brown and a thought struck me.

Could I get the bidet (built into my toilet) to spray water onto the underside of my testicles?

Having finished the brown and used the bidet for the purpose for which it was designed, I slid back in the seat and pressed the bidet button again.

Imagine my surprise when my freshly cleaned bum hole took another squirt of gently warmed water.

Somewhat surprised and with totally dry testes and a sparklingly clean bum, I inched forward and tried again, expecting a spray of water up my back, but no, once more the jet found the correct location.

The deduction I have made? Laser guided bidets are the future and if you want to water your testicles you need to do so manually.