Lady on!!!

Lovely walk with the dog in the rain.

Had a few enjoyable moments watching the local falling over nancy boys play football and shouting “man on” from the sidelines.

Appears to have caused some confusion.

The linesman asked what I was doing and I replied merely joining in with the shouting. He looked bemused.

That got me thinking about the phrase “man on”.

Now I know enough about the falling over nancy boys to know that when someone shouts this at you, what he is really saying is “there is a chap coming after you with the sole intention of depriving you of possession of the football. Kick it, you cretin, kick it!!!!!”

This has caused me to imagine what lady footballers shout at each other - lady on, woman on maybe?

We should be told, especially as when I was a mere callow youth, the suggestion that a lady was “on” meant something quite different!

The laser guided bidet.

It’s Monday and thus I have to tell you of the laser guided bidet.

On a recent trip to Manila, where the toilets are either ultra modern or really quite awful, I sat in my hotel room having a major brown and a thought struck me.

Could I get the bidet (built into my toilet) to spray water onto the underside of my testicles?

Having finished the brown and used the bidet for the purpose for which it was designed, I slid back in the seat and pressed the bidet button again.

Imagine my surprise when my freshly cleaned bum hole took another squirt of gently warmed water.

Somewhat surprised and with totally dry testes and a sparklingly clean bum, I inched forward and tried again, expecting a spray of water up my back, but no, once more the jet found the correct location.

The deduction I have made? Laser guided bidets are the future and if you want to water your testicles you need to do so manually.