Britain’s got superlatives.

We are now seeing the season of mindless TV programmes coming to an end, those where the cretinous public are duped into phoning premium telephone lines in an attempt to save the witless pillock they favour from being chucked out of: the singing contest, the talent contest, the skating contest, the dancing contest, the arse puckering junior suit wearing kiddy business person contest or finally the jungle contest.

Of course in the kiddy suit-wearing contest, no votes are allowed, as that is the sole privilege of Lord Wide-Boy of Essex.

It strikes me having witnessed most if not all of these, they are popular in the Martin household and to be honest I do rather like the jungle programme if only to watch the twins muck about, though I still can't tell which one is Anton and which one is Deck, that there is one final programme still to be made.

It is called Britain's got Superlatives.

In it, the four judges from the singing contest get to watch video clips of normal people doing normal things such as washing up, hoovering, shopping etc.

They then have to describe in their usual ebullient and mindless way, how brilliant each clip was.

The great unwashed will then also get to phone in and vote on which judge was most stupid.

The voters money would then be matched by taking money from the accounts of the judges and the whole lot donated to a charity dedicated to educating people to speak English properly rather than grunt. The judges are all so rich they can afford it and the great unwashed get most of their money from the dole, so it will be a recycling system as well.

Each judge would be encouraged to stay in character so Louis would tell everyone that they are an absolute star and that everyone should vote for them, especially if they are Irish.

Tulsa would just start to shout, calling everyone Munchkins and generally betraying her South London fighting girl roots.

Kelly Rowland would be encouraged to use such moronic phrases as "yugo girl", "yooda momma", "hello, hello, hello, hello, hello" and finally my favourite "girl, you toaderly nailed id down!!!!" with a major whine applied to the word down. This would be especially good if a clip of an undertaker at work was shown!

Gary would further be encouraged to adopt that pained look he does so well that basically says, as he glances at each moronic fellow judge is turn, "Christ alive, I am a fabulously wealthy, hugely talented and totally sane bloke, why on earth am I on stage with these very, very stupid people, and what the heck are they saying?"