Intelligence tests.

In the world of academia, or business, there are many different ways of measuring intelligence ranging from Mensa testing, all the way through to psychometric test and handwriting analysis.

However, I'd like to recommend a much simpler and cheaper way of testing intelligence that can also be quite a lot of fun. There are two.

The first is very straightforward and is simple: is the person to whom you are subjecting the test walking along with their mouths open? If so, they are as dumb as a fucking brick.

They'll also have a vacant stare. At least 50% of the people one meets in Uxbridge fit into this category.

Now you get to apply the second test: the time test.

This is a little trickier as it requires the subject to have a watch.

If you see someone walking along with their mouths open, and by chance happen to spot them wearing a watch, go up to them and ask if they have the time.

Initially their brow will furrow as they try to calculate if you have disrespected them in some way and how hard they'll have to hit you as a result.

Then, the Neanderthal expression slips from their face as they realise you have asked them a question that they can actually answer. They think for a moment and it dawns on them that yes, they do have a watch and that yes, as a result, they can tell you the time.

Slowly, oh so slowly, they'll then tug at the sleeve to their hoodie, wrench it up and triumphantly show you their watch.

This whole process, which will under normal circumstances take less than 5 seconds to transact in total, will take over 15 seconds from first question, through furrowed brow to triumphant display of stolen Rolex!

If this is the case, the best thing to do is back away slowly whilst trying not too hard to focus on the scar across their lobotomised forehead.