The importance of not being the Prince of Darkness.

Being a bit mad is good; being totally bloody barking mad is bad.

I used to work for, and then with someone known as the Prince Of Darkness. So called because we used to have clandestine meetings with him and Get Carter in the Hendon House of Horrors.

The Prince used to be nicely mad, in a quite amusing way, but it turned bad.

Here is an example of bad:

Peter and POD are due to fly to Rotterdam from Stansted on a cheap flight, flight time 6:35.

Peter arrives at Stansted at 5:15, checks in, get's coffee and waits for POD.

5:30 and no POD, so Peter calls POD.

Peter: Hello POD, how are you doing?

POD: Great, just leaving!

Peter: You live in Golders Green, you are going to miss the flight.

POD: No, I'll be fine, tell them I am on my way!

Peter goes back to coffee and newspaper knowing it is going to be one of those days.

POD arrives at 6:15 sweating profusely and bowls up to the check in desk and shouts: "POD, ticket on departure!"

Woman says, very sweetly "The ticket desk is over there!"

POD: No need, you can issue me the ticket here.

Woman: No Sir, you have to go to the ticket desk for your ticket.

POD: But I am in a hurry.

Woman: I am sorry sir, but I can't issue tickets here.

POD: I know about these things, it's ridiculous!

When we started this exchange, the ticket desk was empty, now of course as we traipse toward it there are three people in the queue. When we finally get to the front:

POD: POD, ticket on departure.

Ticket woman: Certainly Sir, do you have the credit card the booking was made with.

POD: Yes but you don't really need it, just issue the ticket!

TW: Sir, please may I have the card with which you paid, so that I can issue your ticket?

POD: Harumph!

TW: Here you are Mr. POD, have a pleasant journey.

POD: You can check me in.

TW: I am sorry sir, but you have to go to the check-in desk for that.

POD: Don't be silly, it's all the same system, check me in!

TW: I am sorry sir, but you have to go to the check in desk for that!!

POD: This is ridiculous, harrumph!

So we traipse back to the check in desk.

Woman: Hello Mr. POD, how lovely to see you again, how may I help you?

So we are finally both checked in and with a warning that the flight will be boarding soon (thankfully delayed) we set off for security and the train to the terminal.

At security, POD managed to leave his mobile phone behind, and a POD without a mobile phone is like Adam without Eve. But, he did not notice until we were on the train to the terminal, at which point just to confirm his madness, he actually started to yell at me because he'd left his phone behind.

Now for those who have not been to Stansted before, the train stops at two places, the first is where people from the other terminal get on, and no-one is allowed to get off, and the second is where everyone has to get off.

Upon arrival at the first stop, POD gets off the train telling me that he is going back for the phone. The train didn't move and after about a minute, the tannoy announcement was:

"Would the gentleman who just got off of the train, get back on again" (The regular announcement system on the train tells you not to get off.

POD just stands there, the only person on the platform and not on the train, convinced that the message can't be for him.

Tannoy: Would the gentleman, who is still on the platform, please get on the train? The train will not depart this platform until you get on it.

POD, harrumphs a bit more but gets back on.

At the second stop, where the train announcement states clearly that everyone must get off of the train, POD stays on.

Tannoy: Would the gentleman, who has not got off of the train, please do so?

POD ignored this and only got off when further prompted by tannoy announcement, which also offered the assistance of a security guard if he did not stop mucking about.

So we climb on the escalator to the main terminal building and as we get to the top, POD spots a phone on the wall, rushes to it with the assurance that he is going to call security.

Of course, the phone had no dial tone, which infuriated POD so much he actually kicked the phone off of the wall. Thankfully nobody saw us. He then rushed into the newsagent and stated:

POD: I need to get back to the main building, how do I do that?

Newsagent: You can't.

POD; Of course I can! Just tell me how!

Newsagent: You can't, piss off.

Now the next bit is down to me because at the sight of a totally disinterested newsagent telling the POD to piss off, I started to laugh.

This appeared to annoy him, so he rushed up to the boarding lady (the flight was now boarding) and literally shouted:

POD: POD, I need my phone, get it, security has it!

Boarding lady: I am sorry sir, that is not possible, do you have your boarding card?

At this point POD must have had some sort of mental flip, because he started to shout very loudly, at which the boarding lady said to me:

Tell your friend to stop this right now or I will have him removed from the airport and banned from our airline.

I dragged him away and calmed him down.

Do you think he has anger management issues maybe?

During my travel with the POD, there was an incident on almost every occasion; I'll share some of them in due course.