Second race of the season.

And we already have politics dictating the game!

Sergio Perez (a Ferrari young academician, in line to replace Massa and in a car with a Ferrari engine) is catching Alonso by over one second a lap when his team come on the radio and say, essentially, slow down old boy, this is good enough for us. Shortly after which he goes off, just enough to give the cheats enough room ahead, and comes second.

How Alonso can look himself in the mirror in the morning is beyond me. In my honest opinion, he is up there with Schumacher as one of the greatest (in the worst possible way) cheats of all time in F1.

Then we come, inevitably, to Massa. Look, he is old and he's had a severe blow to the head. All credit to Ferrari to sticking by him, but Alonso's contractual requirement to always have a shit second driver has made them looks like total divs. Retire Massa now, draft Perez in and let's all be honest about this.

Schumacher. The rain meister right? Not any more, in fact I hate to say this but the only type of Meister he is now is the Old Meister. Like a police horse, he should be put out to a comfortable retirement (though not with the News of the World spy woman).

Jenson? Silly lad. No need to emulate Lewis and have gratuitous crashes, you are far too good for this and let's hope that yesterday does not dent your somewhat fragile confidence.

Lewis, cheer up man, you have one of the most enviable jobs in the world, at which you happen to be quite good. Go to Red Bull, where they, despite The Brain, appear to have an average car.

Kimi, you have my vote for not just a podium but also a win in your comeback season. MS please note.

Vettel? Tut, tut, tut young man. You had a crash that you caused. How dare you blame the waiter? It would appear that the young lad does have trouble racing when he is not in the front, a little like our own ex world champion Damon Hill.

Finally, Sky. You must try harder lads, and get rid of Damon Hill. He has no personality at all. It is like having an accountant commentate on my F1 race.