You miserable git, or, why people who live in Halesowen shouldn't throw stones.

This story includes Tesco but not because they've done anything wrong.

This is more an admission of what in irascible git I can be at times.

I am cooking dinner tonight, so it is Toad in the Hole out of the Jamie Orville & Dean book.

Most ingredients in the house except the sausages and some beer.

So I shop and upon approaching the checkout I see my arch nemesis - Mr. Bloody Ecstatically Happy checkout boy. He always has a chat and witters on an on, so I usually avoid him. However, all other checkouts are either full and have queues or are shut. So against my better judgment, I join to queue of Mr. B E H.

He scans my goods and I avoid any conversation by avoiding eye contact, this is not possible however when I come to pay.

So I pay and he says to me:

"Looking forward to Halloween?" A pretty inane and innocuous thing to say but I am afraid to say I snapped!

"No mate I am not, not in the slightest!"

Then he sent me even further over the edge by saying:

"Why, I think it's such fun!"

"Do you", I replied, "Do you really?"

"Well first off", I continued whilst he sat there looking a little aghast and the queue of shoppers either side had stopped shopping to observe, "It's not a British thing, unless you come from Halesowen" - he failed to see the funny side of my admittedly weak joke.

"Secondly, what gives a bunch of jumped up little thugs the right to turn up on my doorstep and threaten me and my wife and kids with damage unless I give them something?"

Before he could answer I continued.

"Thirdly, it's just an excuse for muggers to take the bleeding evening off so they can frighten the local neighbourhood, but here's the rub, and I hope you'll excuse my language, they can fuck right off!"

By now I was doing a quite passable imitation of an escapee from the loony bin and the men in suits were gathering around.

And now we come to the really funny bit.

Spoken by one of the managers:

"Hello Mr. Martin, is everything OK?" The buggers know who I am!!!!!

The local populace also know that should they come anywhere near my front door, rotten eggs will be deployed as I aim to get my retaliation in first.

Of course, if the tricksters are proper little kiddies who have made an effort, they get all sorts of sweeties and so one, but if they are trainee muggers and the sons and daughters of spongers and skiver, I'll be ready for them!

So I left Tesco with my sausages and beer, seething at the madness of it all. I could quite easily go postal one day!