Chavs and Chewing Gum.

I have a wonderful idea that will change the face of our inner cities (Uxbridge for a start) and solve the burgeoning financial crisis facing the country.

The idea came to me this morning during my walk up to Starbucks for my coffee, cake and a glass of water.

Before we come to the chewing gum plan, let me share the conversation with the bloody dimwit in Starbucks.

Every day I have three items, coffee, water and whatever type of comestible that takes my fancy at the time. Every bloody day I go in with my Times in my left hand and every bloody day the dimwits tries to give me three items, including two drinks, just dumped on the counter.

Today my patience snapped and after having had to ask for a tray on dozens of prior occasions I had to comment.

Peter: May I have a tray please.

Dimwit: Yes! (With a Starbucks have a nice bloody day smile thrown in for free).

Peter: May I offer some advice?

Dimwit: You want some what?

Peter: No, please listen; let me offer you some advice!!

Peter: When a customer, carrying a paper or not, buys two drinks and one sticky bun, it's very likely they'll need a tray. Try this for a laugh, offer one in future rather than looking stunned at such a request. And just to make things perfectly clear, I will ALWAYS have a tray.

Dimwit: You want a tray?

Peter: Yes.

I think due to the overall stupidity of the dimwit, I may have lost that encounter so the score this week is Peter Nil, Johnnie Dimwit One!

So, onto the cunning plan.

Uxbridge, because of the human detritus that visit it every day, looks like a war zone every morning. I have commented on this before. It take two men dressed from head to toe in yellow, with little road sweeping vehicles, at least an hour to sweep all of the fag ends, broken bottles, puke and fast food containers away to make the streets slightly usable again.

What these trucks do not pick up however is the chewing gum. The scum of Uxbridge have littered the pedestrian area of Uxbridge with literally thousands of little white dots. Chewing gum would appear to have a half life of about a thousand years and be totally immune to erosion and so forth.

My proposal therefore, and this can apply to inner cities and places such as Uxbridge the country over, is to set the chavs to work chewing gum.

In order to get their spongers money from the state (me and you in truth) they'll have to produce a certain quantity of chewed gum every day. This chewed gum will then be passed onto other chavs, probably on day release from prison, who will apply it to the streets of our inner cities and places such as Uxbridge.

This will look slightly odd, but Uxbridge looks seriously bloody odd anyway, but will have these major advantages:

1. The chewing gum never wears out so we need never spend any more money on the pavements and roads.

2. The chavs will naturally top up the gum every day and night, so we will have a free supply of road and pavement material for as long as we have chavs.

3. If we apply a tax to chewing gum, like cigarettes for instance, the extra revenue will be enormous.

And of course we need not just stop at inner cities and Uxbridge, we could pave whole motorways with the stuff.

Finally, even chavs must enjoy some sense of achievement other than the fun they get from duffing up passers by and defrauding the state, so imagine the sense of achievement we can give the chavs knowing that they are supporting the country's infrastructure.