Tesco vs. Morrison - a game of two halves and a very clear winner.

Two stories in one here, the first is very quick and explains something hitherto considered to inexplicable.

Tesco, the BA of the food retailing sector (so far up its own arse it is muffled) have declared a 15% year on year decline in sales, but, and this is despite their Hitlerian approach to handing out carrier bags, a 5% increase in the use of carrier bags.

I know why.

Recently, frustrated with my frustrations, the governor has decided to shop online with Tesco.

On Friday last, she called out to me: "Honey, would you like some beers?" Rather a stupid question as in the 23 years we've been together, I have never said no to such a question.

"Oh go on then", I replied, "As it is the weekend, why not. Bishop's Finger for me please".

Tesco have a promotion, four beers for six quid. A bargain.

So she placed an order for eight.

Now when I shop, the beers go three to a bag, so a rough average sees me use three bags per eight beers.

When the Tesco pickers pick a beer, each one gets wrapped in a bag, and then there are two per outer bag.

So two beers is three carrier bags.

My usual eight beers therefore came in TWELVE bags! Tesco, you are numpties, focus on what you should be doing and stopping wanking in public.

So Tesco, god bless their shiny suits, are already one nil down.

Now we come to a much more important matter: customer service.

I'll simply describe two events that took place within two days of each other and let you decide the final score.

Incident One: GP has finished and the boss says, I'd like a rack of lamb for lunch.

Peter goes to Tesco in Larkfield where the meat counter and fish counter are side by side.

Now as an experienced shopper, there is a bloke at the Tesco meat/fish counter whom I know quite well. For me, he is known as work shy as he will wait until a customer goes to one counter before deliberately walking to the other and pretending not to notice that you are there.

What I do is indulge in a rather childish and pointless game with him. If I want fish I pretend to look at the meat and whilst he is busy scurrying away I leave my trolley behind and sprint to the fish counter. You have to be quick as if he sees you doing this he hides in the middle of the two behind a pillar!

So work shy is there at fish and as he sees me, he quite literally hides behind the giant steel fridge and faces the wall away from the serving space.

However, not to worry as there is a girl at the meat counter. However, she also has her back turned to me and is washing something. At 3:15!!!! With 45 minutes shopping time still available to me, both people who are there to serve me are facing the bloody wall.

I blame work-shy, as he is work shy. She, I rather feel has been informed by an ill-informed manager that if she washes her area at 3:15 he will not have to pay her overtime.

The bean counters and scorecard dickheads who now run Tesco probably gave this idea a gold star and a bonus.

So I wrote to Tesco and complained, formally, stating that in this small episode is their lost 15%.

To be fair, ever since, work shy has been facing the front, he still darts about to avoid customers though!

Incident two.

The boss says to me that Morrisons have some rather splendid flower pots that are heavily reduced and would I go and buy some. Each pack is a set of five and weighed a great deal.

I forgot for a while. Part of the governor’s approach to man management is never to offer a reminder for a forgotten task, just a bollocking for a task forgotten (I used to work for a bloke who was like that!!!!).

So when I did remember of my own accord, I darted out to Morrisons with car keys and wallet.

At Morrisons you still need a pound for the trolley as the local chavs nick them to make into BBQs. Had I a pound, no I didn't!

So in I went anyway and found said flower-pots in packs of five and can barely lift one let alone two, and yet I have no trolley and no pound. Fearful that, as there were only three of these left, I might lose out and thus get a "crack in the wall" bollocking, I grabbed two sets and barely able to lift them off the pallet, got them to the floor.

At this point a Morrisons employee walked past with a steel trolley and loaded some meat into the chilled meat section.

As he walked past, I enquired, half expecting a Tesco style sod off as a response, if I couldn't borrow his trolley.

ME: What's your problem? (A gentle enquiry and not a challenge).

Me: I need to buy these pots and they weight a ton, if I could borrow your trolley for a while, I'd be awfully grateful, as it will probably save if not my marriage, at least my testicles.

ME: Don't worry about that mate; I'll shift them for you.

At which point ME hoisted the pots onto his trolley and wandered off with me in rather stunned tow toward the tills.

The tills were jolly busy so ME stated we'd go to the fag shop.

He did the transaction and I just had to pay, whereupon he took the bloody things to my car and loaded them in the back.

Tesco, if you read this, nip around to the Morrisons in Larkfield and employ every member of staff they have starting with their manager, HR people and trainers!

Now that is what I call service and it made my weekend!