Some of my best friends are ......

Smokers, coffee drinkers but not straw eaters.

This is a blog in three parts:

1. Smoking. Now, some of my best friends are smokers, and I have nothing against them.

What does bother me with smokers, and this is very evident in the streets of Uxbridge, is that having lit their fag and drawn a refreshing lungful of shit into their bodies, they then wave the bleeding fag all over the place.

Anyone would think they were holding a burning stick in their hands and that they didn't want to burn themselves! No, they just want to burn any poor sod that passes by!!!! Oi smokers, stop it!

2. Coffee drinking. I drink coffee, a lot. What I don't do is go to the local coffee shop, buy a skinny latte with double decaff twigs and then carry the fucking thing all over London, held out on front of me like it is some sort of cross to ward off evil. If this carries on, evolution is going to take over and we'll all have grandchildren with deformed arms (well not literally as evolution takes quite a while, but you get my drink). Oi, coffee drinkers, stop it!!

3. Straw. Ever followed one of those trucks that travel from place to place with hundreds of bales on straw on their backs? You can tell when you are about half a mile from one as the air is thick with straw.

Ever wondered how far they'd have to travel before all of the straw has gone? I have.

If there is someone out there who care to work it out, or at least the formula where x=surface area of straw bales, y= speed of vehicle, a=wind speed etc. Let me know. Oi, straw merchants, stop it!!!