Costa - again.

I have been away for a couple of days but had a wonderful Costa experience today.

I arrived at St. Pancras at about 5:20 this morning for my 6:10 train to Sheffield. As usual I made for the Costa on the ground floor close to the Eurostar departure gate.

Before we get onto the real subject of this post, why do you think that until 7AM, this Costa only serves drinks in takeaway cups? What the hell is the difference between 6:59 and 7:01 in the crockery world eh?

Anyway, upon arriving at Costa I found myself beaten to the door by a group of Merkins. I mention that they were Merkins because they were, and because it helps explain the insanity that followed.

There were eight Merkins in all, including a small kid. The small kid, not yet having her mind fucked with by the marketing buffoons, just wanted a glass of water. Just water, imagine that????

Of course the older Merkins wanted, to a person, an even more complicated drink, each one in turn appearing to want to outdo each other with the stupidity and complexity of their drink.

So finally we come to the chief wanker, the head Merkin and the one with the credit card. To put this into context, Costa at St. Pancras does not employ lawyers, just normal Johnnies and as a result, they know how to make and provide a cup of coffee, so they are, on this occasion, blameless. In fact the head coffee boy contributed greatly to the comedy of the event.

Costa Man: Sir?

Chief Wanker: I’ll have a tea, extra hot water and extra cold milk.

Costa Man does quick double take and says: Sorry (clearly thinking that he can’t have heard properly). The Chief Wanker repeated his order without a hint of irony.

Costa Man: Well the water is boiling, but I can put ice in the milk!

Having waited at least ten minutes for my double espresso, I had to comment.

Peter: Listen mate, boiling water is boiling water, so that’s taken care of. Take the milk with ice and you’ll be fine. But whatever you do, please get a move on.

Chief Wanker: Well, where I come from they don’t always boil the water for tea!

Peter: Where are you now?

Chief Wanker: Saint Pan-Crass

Peter: Actually it is called St. Pancras, and you are in England, where we make tea with boiling water and normal temperature milk, so please just get on with it as I, and no doubt you, have a train to catch!

By now all of the Merkin clan are looking aghast and the Costa Man is smiling broadly.

Chief Wanker: I’ll have a skinny latte double decaf decaff with twigs and an extra shot of silliness.

Christ almighty!

Final comment: Costa has created a loyalty card where for each coffee you get you get five points with each point being worth a penny. I have 780 points to date. It now seems that each time I buy a coffee, I must be asked if I’d like to pay with my points. Every time, two coffees running, same shop, same bloke, same answer, yet they still ask.

Very soon it is going to take me 15 seconds to order my coffee, 5 minutes to drink it and 10 minutes to answer the fecking questionnaire they insist upon in between.

As I said before: Is it me or is the world going slightly more loopy day by day?