How to cure the double-glazing wankers once and for all.

A good few years ago, after we moved into our present house, we had double-glazing fitted. Doors, windows porch etc. Even soffits and fascias (I still don't know what the hell they are by the way).

It would appear that following this event, the people who did the install appeared to have shared my details with every other double glazing company in the area - no doubt to waste their time and effort.

So pretty much every week I would get a call that went along these lines:

Hello Mr. Martin, one of our gits in a cheap shiny suit will be in your area and would like to ruin your evening with his poor vocabulary and diction whilst trying to sell you something. This is the best offer you'll ever get so shall I pencil him in.

Me: No thanks love (they are always women on these calls) I have all of the windows I need right now, and I am doing pretty well on the door front.

Them: OK.

Needless to say, when their colouring in department gave them their call lists the following month, I was on it. And this for about half a dozen companies.

This went on for several months when my famous patience finally snapped.

So when offered the chance to spend the evening with a git in a cheap suit I jumped at it with the following caveat/advice:

Me: Sure, that's a great idea, but please let your git know that I do not want this to be an iterative process and he should come armed with all of the demo windows and doors he has so I can decide on the evening.

Her: (total bloody silence)

Me: You have no idea what iterative means do you?

Her: Hmmm.

Me: Tell him he gets one visit to my house, so I want the full dog and pony.

Her: Hmmm.

Me: For god's sake woman, yes, send him around.

The appointed day and hour arrived and the git with the cheap suit duly arrived with his false bonhomie and chavvy accent.

I told him to set up in the sitting room and I would go and bust open a bottle of wine as I was very much looking forward to what he had to say.

A couple of hours passed as he showed me the whole range, the locks, the glass and so on. So much so that at the end of it I felt like a double glazing expert.

Finally I said:

Spiffing, so let's go and have a look around shall we.

After about five rooms, he said to me:

Mr. Martin, I hope you don't mind me saying this, but you appear to have pretty new and very high quality windows already, may I ask what's the issue.

Me: I am so glad you finally asked that, the issue as I see it is the cretins in your colouring in department and the other cretins in your call centre. You see they call me every month and every month, up to last week, I have told them that I have all of the windows and doors a reasonable chap could need. Yet it appears not to sink in.

Him: Oh. So why am I here.

Me: Another very good question to which the answer is, you are here, and will be every month into the future until you can convince the combined cretins in your organisation never to call me again, as each time they do, I shall invite you in and watch you struggle whilst I drink wine.

Him: Right, I'll pack up then.

Me: Please do so, and I'll see you next month.

I had to do this with four different companies, but one after one they stopped calling.