Doesn't she have any bloody mates?

I don’t watch a great deal of TV, not because I am some sort of towering intellect, but because it makes me soporific and typically, even if it is something that I want to watch, I last about 20 minutes before I am knocking out the zzzzz.

Especially, I don’t watch American programmes that give the impression that everyone is thin, perfect and zany.

Especially especially I don’t watch the modern form of chucking Christians into the lion’s den, also known as “Talent” shows.

How cruel have we become as a society that these even exist.

The singing ones are the worst, the others where pillocks prat about, I sort of understand. This is actually a form of reverse lions/Christians thing because I am convinced that most participants are on that most British of escapades: a major piss take. They go on with some gormless; yet in a fascinating way, hilarious act, that one can only marvel at the thickness of their skins and the sheer size of their piss take.

So we come to the singing contests, which I believe show human cruelty at its peak.

Firstly, don’t these people have any mates? You see some dreadful no hoper, dressed like a bloody Barbie doll, shrieking her way about the stage, murdering whatever song it is, making a complete buffoon of themselves. Either these people don’t have any mates to say “listen, you’re hopeless, don’t do it, everyone will laugh” or their mates just stand by whilst they humiliate themselves in front of a huge audience. Either way, pretty bloody cruel don’t you think?

Then we come to the TV companies, who both broadcast these sickening events, having first vetted the contestants to ENSURE a healthy band of cranks, no hopers and tuneless cretins. If this were a talent contest, only the best would get to sing in front of the cameras. What next, a TV programme where we watch people being told their relatives have died, people being made redundant? For Christ’s sake, how cruel are we?

Finally, and probably at the top of the cruelty scale, Joe bloody Public, the great unwashed, tuning in every week. These are the sort of mindless wankers who used to turn up to watch hangings. Has our world become so morally bankrupt and have we become so desensitised that this counts as fun?

Mark my words, the TV companies will soon be showing snuff movies in primetime to satisfy the appetite of the baying crowd and to sell a few more tubes of toothpaste.

And then of course we come to the contestants: with what level of self deception are most of them afflicted to even think they may become international singing stars? Additionally, since that loopy bloody Scot, we have loads of old bags turning up to sing, just so the silly cow in the middle can cry a little. Piers Morgan I respect as he is just there for the money and to wind up Simon.

Then we must address the issue of crying and it meaning everything to me.

Since Big Ears ex-wife croaked, the whole country bursts into tears at the drop of a hat. When a contestant gets through to the next round, they have to cry. In my ideal world, anyone who did this would be booked into a clinic to have his or her tear ducts cauterised. Wankers!

And finally, before I settle down to a bottle of wine: why does it mean everything to them, and how on earth are they going to give it 110%?

You can’t give 110% you innumerate buffoons, 100% will do as it is all you fucking have! And if it didn’t mean everything to you, you should have stayed at home, so don’t state the bleeding obvious as I already think you are a thick as a plank, you are making it worse.

So there you have it, it’s all bollocks and we ought to ignore it.