Title - "Ow's yer larks?"

Two great nations divided by a common language, or just a cloth eared git - you decide.

Last night I experienced the latest in a long line of quite humorous miscommunications with our colonial cousins in the land of the free.

At dinner last night in New York, I had some smoked salmon.

Having just started, the waiter came up to me and said: "'ow's yer larks?"

I, a few beers into the evening, thought: How are my larks? What the blazes does that mean, so as is my wont when I am confused, I simply said "Sorry?"

So he repeated himself.

I thought rapidly and figured that this was probably some New York slang for "how are you doing?", so I replied:

"A little tired, but I'm going home in the morning so I guess I'll be fine after a good night's sleep".

His look of smacked in the face astonishment made it clear that I'd dropped a bit of a clanger so I admitted to him I'd not actually heard what he'd said.

So shouting now, he repeated himself and I had to finally admit defeat and said:

"Look, I know your are saying something that requires a response from me, but I really don't know what larks are."

With a look of desperation to resorted to pointing.

Slowly the light went on and I realised he was asking if my smoked salmon/lox was acceptable.

"Spiffing" I said and then started to giggle uncontrollably, which clearly confused him as he, looking somewhat shaken by the whole exchange, just walked away.

This reminded me of two other very notable food related mis-communications.

A few years ago I went for a job interview in Jameson (New Jersey I think) and at breakfast I ordered eggs and sausages.

I proudly coped with the eggs; over easy was my reply even though I had no idea what that meant, I'd just heard it on films. Just as well that I didn't ask for sideways and difficult.

But when we came to the sausages I was a bit flummoxed. How did I want them? No idea as even for me the thought of undercooked sausages was a bit much to stomach.

So I said, "What are the choices?"

Her reply: "Links or paddies".

So once again I am at a disadvantage as I have no idea what either of these actually are so I said:

"I am not altogether sure, what's the difference?"

At this stage she actually took a step back at my obvious and quite alarming stupidity and informed me that links were long and paddies were flat.

Of course, she meant "patties" whilst I thought it was maybe a make of sausage, like Wall's!!

My final story happened in Phoenix and I do not accept blame.

My team and I were invited to dinner by internal audit one evening and we went to a Mexican restaurant.

I am not quite sure what I ordered but I took advice and ended up with something lovely.

On person at the table ordered a beef dish and the final parting question from the waitress before she moved on was:

"Do you want shutter beef?"

Yes please was the answer.

Now being keen on food, I like to try new stuff and had never heard of shutter beef before so innocently I asked:

"What's shutter beef please?"

The whole table went silent and the waitress said to me in a quite alarmed way:

"Shutter beef?"

Me: "Yes, you just offered her shutter beef and I have never heard of such a thing"

At which point one of my colleagues hastily pointed out, before I made even more of a fool of myself, that she had in fact said "shredded beef".

A short discussion afterwards concluded that most of the Brits at the table had heard SHUTTER whereas the Americans had heard shredded!!

Just to balance things out and probably aim the finger of blame at me, here's a UK based one.

Many years ago, number two and I were shopping and I purchased my newspaper at WH Smith.

At the checkout, the boy said something that I could not quite grasp, so I said "Sorry?"

He repeated himself, but I still didn't get it so I said sorry again, and we did the same routine for a third time.

By now he was looked quite fed up so I said to him:

"Look, I know you are speaking to me as I can see your lips moving, but I truly can't fathom what on earth you are saying, so might I please just pay for my Times and I'll get out of your way"

All I heard at this stage was a rather load groan from number two.

As we were walking back to the car, I asked if she'd been able to understand him, of course she said!

So maybe it is me after all.