Chavs and Pikeys.

I live in Kent, which as a starter appears to have more chavs and pikeys than anywhere else on the planet apart from Essex.

Nothing brings a chav or pikey out quicker than a little sunshine. And this weekend we've had a little sunshine. More of which late, first my weekend (mundane I know but what the hell).

After my APF gig on Friday night, and because I was driving I did not drink, so I woke early (about 5) on Saturday morning.

First job of the weekend, haircut. I love having my haircut and would have it cut as often as weekly if I had my choice, as it is I have it cut every three weeks.

What I can't abide is the idea that the person cutting my hair and I have anything in common apart from being human beings. Why should I have to talk to them, whilst they pretend to be remotely interested in anything but my money? It is bizarre and I don't like it.

After my haircut some fun. It may seem mundane but I jet washed the patio. It took five hours in total but for me, any job that involves equipment and protective clothing is a good job. So I did it thoroughly, got filthy and it look so good, even the governor mentioned it!

Shopping followed that and it was at shopping I first spotted the chavs and pikeys. In my family it is me that does the weekly shop, not a chore for me to be honest and J hates it, so I do it.

My local Tesco was full to bursting with chavs and pikeys of all shapes and sizes buying BBQ food (cheap blue stripe stuff) and case upon case of lager. All of the chav and pikey women have got at least two tattoos, one on their shoulder and one either on their ankle. They also, even at this early stage in spring, have managed to sunburn their shoulders. Maybe they spend so much time indoors watching mindless crap on the television, they go all pale over the winter.

A chav or pikey man is even easier to spot. He’ll have earrings (in the plural), often a big square fake diamond, one in each ear and he'll also have tattoos, lots of them. He'll be chewing gum with his mouth wide open. And, and here is the defining chav or pikey accouterment: His trousers will not be full length, nor will they be shorts. Instead they'll be so sort of half mast affair that end, tied with a string in a bow, half way between his knee and his ankle.

 I have travelled a lot of the world and never before have I spotted this type of trouser.

One final addition is the dog. All pikeys and chavs have dogs that appear to be head, teeth and gristle and the dog is always called something lovely like meathead.

Now I live my life on a live and let live basis, but, and I have said this before, my main concern is that in just a few weeks time, these dimwits are going to have a say in who runs our lovely country for the next few years and I am not sure that much is going on in their heads apart from a buzzing sound.

Maybe it is time to head for the hills.