Travel

Yesterday I took two flights, one BA flight from Heathrow to JFK and the other, an American Airlines from JFK to Orlando.

I can now see quite clearly why BA and AA are in the One World Alliance. They have an alliance that agrees that the customer is a pain in the backside.

Now I have a preference registered with BA for a seafood meal, mostly because the way they overcook meat is too much for me to stomach and I like fish.

So, I got my fish starter, an assortment of smoked salmon - very tasty.

My main course was a choice between a mixed grill of overcooked meat and a veggie option.

I mentioned that I normally have a seafood meal at which the woman audibly sighed and informed me that they had no record of this, so I opted for the overcooked meat option.

Halfway through eating this, another fang brandishing dimwit appears with coal dead eyes and, without a hint of irony, said:

"Seafood meal sir!" She said this with such elation either she was madder than Mr. Mad from Mad City, or she was taking the piss.

I pointed out that I already had a meal and that I had been informed that there was no such thing on board as a seafood meal for Mr. Martin. She of course did the usual looking totally perplexed routine so I told her not to worry. She wandered off no doubt in order to be useless to another paying customer.

I'd also point out that, as a paying customer, it irritates the hell out of me that business class (for which I have paid) is always full. Why is it always full I hear you ask, because every non-paid for seat is taken up by BA staff on jollies. This means that the BA staff who are supposed to be looking after me, spend most of their time chatting to their non paying BA staff mates. This really is a shocking way to rub the customer's nose in the dirt. Very funny BA.

BA have an advertising campaign running that stresses their motto; "To Fly To Care" - bullshit they do, this is just the marketing people being a bit mad and having run out of ideas, are just embarking on a major piss take at the customers and shareholders of BAs expense.

It would like me declaring tomorrow that I am thin. Well, I used to be thin, and no doubt could be thin again should I really want to and change both eating/drinking and exercise habits quite significantly. What BA need to understand is that just saying it, does not make it so, you have to start with the staff!

To add to the farce, the plane was delayed on the ground, only after we were all boarded, for 55 minutes due to an inoperative auxiliary power supply. Turns out that this is the power supply that runs the aircon amongst other things, so by the time they had discovered they could not fix it, we were all drenched in sweat! No doubt BA will go through this farce every time with this plane until someone who gives a shit turns up, it could be a long time.

Now I have only ever flown AA once before that I put the fact that the service was crap down to bad luck, not any more. Crap service is, like BA, built in to what they do.

Now I find this odd, as this degree of Basil Fawlty crapness applies only to the air staff - stewards and stewardesses they used to be called in a slightly less mad age, but I am sure that these terms would be considered politically incorrect today.

The ground staff of both airlines, in my experience, are a delight. They really do appear to care. The AA staff in particular on the ground and in the lounge were spectacular. They smiled (eyes and not teeth BA!) and really did care that I had a nice day. Congratulations to the lot of them on the ground at JFK.

So onto the plane and this is where the madness really set in. AA stewardesses would appear to be made up entirely of BA rejects, rejected because they were too surly even for BA. Listen you lot, having a cheap uniform and loads (and loads) of makeup does not make you anything other than you are, and I really don't believe that anyone in the world is that rude and surly so it must be the uniform. People being given uniforms and then being totally bloody horrible (against their real character) has too many precedents in history to be just a coincidence.

Also, why does the average American traveller never want to check their bags?

The amount of flight sized but incredibly heavy bags people took on board was amazing.

Like I normally do, I got on the plane promptly, stowed my bag in the overhead (a small Tumi bag, my luggage was checked in the hold), and sat down in my aisle seat ready to get up for the two people who'd be sitting next to me.

The farce that ensued was wonderful to watch, people struggling with bags, cups of coffee, more bags and all the while cutting no slack to any other passenger.

This madness culminated in me having to tell a Johnnie to get stuffed.

He and his wife were amongst the last people to board, carrying, you guessed it, two bags each.

Of course there was no room above for both of their suitcases, so he actually had the cheek to ask me if I could put my Tumi under the seat in front of me so he could fit his wife's suitcase in the overhead.

Of course I told him where to go, at which he looked a little stunned and said:

"Well what am I going to do then?"

At this point the cheaply uniformed slapstick merchant (aka the stewardess) arrived and enquired in the expectedly rude way, what was up.

I told her and then he told her and she just shrugged and looked a little gormless, but did have the wits to also suggest she could take the bag, this was mostly because the captain had taken to shouting from the cockpit that he couldn't shut the doors until we were all sitting down!

Really shouting in a the rude way New Yorkers like to portray as merely being blunt - it's not blunt lads, it's bloody rude.

Finally arriving at Orlando I had what can only be described as a very disturbing experience.

I am staying at a Disney resort for a conference, so the transportation from Orlando International to the resort is via Disney buses.

90% of the coach, and it was full, were adults. A lot of blokes travelling in pairs and a lot of couples. Very few families.

The coach driver, being Disney staff, thought that everything was hilarious and kept shouting down the microphone about what a great stay we'd have at Disney. Upon shouting the word Disney, he'd up his voice even more to the point that I thought he'd either burst or blow the sound system.

At each shout of the word Disney, the entire busload of ADULTS, clapped, whopped and hollered.

When we entered Disney territory, the whooping and hollering and clapping reached almost riotous levels.

Now, had we all been early teenagers, or families, I can see why this level on organised happiness might be appropriate, but from adults? These buffoons made the average Hillingdon Cretin look like a fucking genius.

Is it me?